goings and comings

First, the goings. Our oldest son is off to college in a few days. We have nearly everything together that he needs to start off with, in spite of current financial crises. He is excited, of course. I suppose I am excited for him as well, although I am reluctant to have the first one leave the nest. I feel incredibly old. I suppose, though, it doesn't much matter how I feel about it.
This is just a part of the process, and I will let him go gracefully. I just hope we have instilled enough good in him to help him make good choices when he is out there in the world on his own.

Now, on to the comings. After eight or nine weeks of increasingly open communication, I have agreed to allow H to move home. This, with the stipulation that we continue to discuss the type of marriage we will have going forward (i.e. poly/open/swinging/whatever) until we reach something that feels good for both of us. I refuse to agree to long term monogamy, now that I understand my needs. He is opening his mind slowly, so I feel confident we will find a workable solution.

This, providing we don't fall back into old patterns. I am fearful of exactly that, which is why I had insisted on us remaining separated until now. But, his lease is about to run out on the current bachelor pad. It seems silly to sign another lease, and the reduction in expenses will certainly be a welcome break for both of us. So, we will give this a try. He actually cried when I told him I had reached this decision. He just held me and cried. I can count the number of times I have seen him cry on one hand. I feel like he is sincere in his intent to do the work necessary to make our marriage whole and happy. Still, I did not cry at all. I can only assume I am somehow reserving emotion until it actually happens. I tend to keep my expectations low, in general, in order to avoid crushing disappointments. I imagine I am doing the same here as well. I suppose I do feel I am making the right choice. I am just not what you might call giddy about it at this point. We'll see.

nocturnally speaking

I find myself completely unable to sleep tonight, well, this morning. I will place the blame firmly on the fact that my pain was enormous all day on Saturday. I think it's best not to focus on exactly how much pain medication I took trying to combat it. All of this to no avail, as I was forced to cancel my much anticipated date for the night. He was very understanding, (not surprisingly as he is an amazing man). I was, however, sorely disappointed. I am certain that we will have other opportunities in the future. I am, nevertheless, angry about yet another thing my pain has taken away from me or prevented me from enjoying. I was so looking forward to a long, passion-filled night with this incredibly sexy man. Instead, I have played games online and frumped here in my chair.

Over the last few days, I have spent a considerable amount of time talking with H. He had posed to me the question of why I don't feel I can be satisfied with monogamy. I wasn't content with giving him the obvious answers which came readily to mind. So, I have spent some time alone searching for deeper answers within. I can now visualize my sexual desires existing at three separate points on a wide spectrum. H fulfills the desire in the middle of this spectrum, "normal sex".

The desire which I see sitting toward the lefthand side of this spectrum is for an experience more gentle. I desire something gentle, tender, unhurried, playful, wildly erotic, soft and sweet. I tend to visualize this desire being fulfilled with a woman, although certain very special men enter into fantasies which touch on this as well. I cannot, however, begin to imagine H being these things successfully. He is a wonderful lover. His technical skills are beyond reproach. Yet he is neither tender nor wildly erotic. He just isn't.

Alternatively, toward the righthand end of the spectrum, resides a deep desire for an experience which is just plain raw. I desire dirty, rough, uncensored, unfettered sex where I am pushed to that magical point at which pain becomes pleasure and beyond. I know with certainty that this cannot be fulfilled with H either. It just can't be.

So, for years I have held these "unacceptable" desires at bay and forced myself to be contented with what he could do for me. At least, to appear contented and refuse to look at the discontent. The unfortunate end result of suppressing so much of my desire was that I ended up lacking desire in general. To be fair, there were other reasons our marital sexlife hit such a low point. This was, however, a significant contributing factor. All of that aside, I just don't want to do it any longer. I don't want to live out the rest of my life being only partially satisfied and having to deal with it because that's just the way it is.

All of that being said, H is relentlessly pursuing reconciliation. He even went so far as to read some web pages regarding Asperger's syndrome. I had sent him the links in hopes he would read them and gain a better understanding of me. I did not expect him to actually read them. Nor did I expect him to come back at me with valid questions and curiosities about what he had learned. I also hear evidence that he is opening his mind a bit more to the concept of poly, although I don't hear a readiness to apply it to our marriage. I can feel my defenses against his pursuit weakening, even as I know that we should not be together now.

a new day (I hope?)

The last couple of days have been so difficult for me. I feel like the break between H and myself is the right thing, but it has been traumatic for both of us. I am hopeful that he will refrain from contacting me today. I could definitely use a break from the drama. He took the day off work yesterday, and spent a good part of the day here talking things through with me. He managed to say pretty much all the right things, being supportive of my need to work on myself and all. And yet, I feel as though this was also a tactic. Am I becoming cynical?

I mean, I truly do love this man. There is a huge part of my heart which, I am convinced, will always belong to him. And yet, we are too fused (Schnarch's term). I don't believe I can learn to stand up and be an independent person, express myself honestly, as long as we are together. I always censor myself, protect him from potential pain, protect myself from perceived disapproval. I recognize now that I have lived my entire life in the pursuit of approval, and that I need to learn to live as myself, and hope instead for acceptance. I believe this time apart will be good for both of us, whether we end up back together or not. But it is so hard!

Before H left yesterday, we ended up making love. I certainly didn't plan for that to happen, but I suppose all the drama had weakened my resolve somewhat. It was very clear to me that he put his all into it, and still I felt no real connection with him. Very technically proficient. And, very heartbreaking. I am certain this would be the only time I have ever actually cried while having sex. And watching him leave, walking to his car seemingly a broken man, I admit I waivered for a moment and wanted to run after him. I cannot stand causing this man pain.

On the other hand, there are some fundamental problems with the relationship which I am not sure can be resolved, no matter how much we both grow. I wrote some the other day about his lack of true empathy when I am hurting. The more I think about it, this is one of my basic needs which has gone completely unmet for all these long years. In addition, his lack of passion is a big problem for me. I have wasted much effort convincing myself that our sex life was good. I mean, technically speaking, it was very good. He has become quite skilled. And yet, his inability to stop thinking and let passion rule leads me to hold back. I don't want to hold back anymore. I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life this way. I yearn to share all the passion and sensuality that are inside me with someone who can share the same with me.

Which brings my mind around to another conflict I feel myself struggling with. What do I really want? On the one hand, I am exploring the possibility of living the poly lifestyle. The more I research it, the more I see polyfidelity as a really good fit for me. I have never really been comfortable with the concept that one person could possibly fulfill all of my needs, forever and ever, no matter who that person is. But, I also have no interest in some long progression of flings with random people. Ideally, my social graph would include maybe 2 or 3 men, and at least one woman. We would all know each other, and be a sort of family, while not necessarily living together. This is beautiful to me.

On the other hand, having for a short time chosen to submit to a sexual dominant, I crave that again (or still). The man that I called Master has told me, on more than one occasion, that I need ownership. And, I can't disagree with that. While this need comes from a completely different place inside of me, it seems to be just as compelling. To be owned by a Master, to give my will over to him and totally submit, while trusting him completely, this touches something deep at my core.

This is all very confusing to me. I don't quite get how the need for freedom and the need to be owned can co-exist peacefully within the same individual. Further, I really don't see how both can be fulfilled simultaneously. Which is more powerful? Which will I choose to allow to determine my future? I have no idea. The simpler choice, upfront, would be to choose submission. This would absolve me of having to make further choices. Being easier, though, does not make it the right choice.

pondering poly

So, had a productive talk with H this afternoon. At least, I feel hopeful. We were talking about the idea of our marriage being poly, again. After some discussion, he was able to admit that he feels poly is wrong because society says it is wrong. Now that I can work with. I began giving him examples of things which used to be expected or accepted by society and no longer are. For example: Ladies used to be expected to wear dresses. Slavery was accepted, there were even laws on the books supporting it. Society changes when little people question these norms, and begin to refuse to follow them. It is a slow process, but it works.

I am seriously questioning the entire concept of monogamy. To say I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life, carries with it the expectation that you will be able to be everything and everyone to me for the rest of my life. Is this reasonable? Is it even possible for one person, no matter who they are, to be able to satisfy all of my needs? The more I examine this expectation, the more I am convinced it is ridiculous.

I have spent my life trying to live up to something. Trying to be good enough to gain someone's approval, whether that be my parents, schoolmates, society or Brad. I have never succeeded, which has left me feeling like a miserable failure. The problem with that is I don't really need approval. If I look deeper, what I really need is acceptance. You don't have to like what I am doing, just let me do it. You don't have to like who I am, just let me be. It has taken 40 years to come to this realization.

So, I am 40 now and I will not seek approval any longer. At least, I will attempt to live in a way that makes me fully happy, and seek acceptance of this from others. Having made this decision, I am seriously questioning whether the marriage can be saved. As I stated above, H has at least opened up to thinking about why poly is "wrong" in his eyes. But, that is a long way from being able to live such a life. And, I feel this is exactly what I need.

I have always been dissatisfied in my relationship with H. Don't get me wrong, I have loved him wholeheartedly from very early on. There are so many wonderful things about him. Just the sound of his voice still softens the world for me, makes things just a little bit more ok. He is an excellent father to our kids, when he is here anyway. He has not been so great since the separation. He is intelligent, funny, loyal, hardworking. He is a wonderful, considerate lover. (I sound like I am trying to sell him, don't I?) Most importantly, I simply cannot imagine waking up every morning for the rest of my life and him not being there.

However, there are also a lot of things he is not. He is not romantic, in fact I avoid any music or movies relating to romance because they leave me feeling the lack of it in my life. He is not flirtatious with me, which leaves me feeling undesirable. He is not passionate, which leaves me feeling incapable of inspiring passion in anyone. He is not dominant (sexually), which leaves me craving to be dominated. He is not confident, which leaves me longing for a "real man". Also, he is not a woman, which leaves me craving a woman's touch, smell, taste....all the things that a man can never provide.

Why should I have to choose between feeling fulfilled, or having the love of my life? Why is it not reasonable to say that I want him to be my husband, and I want to find others who can be these things he cannot be for me? I am not interested in having flings with an endless line of strangers. I am told that my ideal life would be polyfidelity. I want H to be my love, my home base, my partner in life, my best friend. And, I want one or maybe two men, and one very special woman, who I would see regularly would fill the rest of my needs.

In addition, I recognize that I can never be all that H desires. I want him to have the same freedom. I would love for him to find a woman or women who would be able to be what I can't be for him. I would love to see him find his confidence and be truly happy for the first time. I know that I have never made him happy, never fulfilled all of his needs. I know that I never will. I used to see this as my failure. Now, however, I see it as reality. I cannot be everything to him, I can only be me. So, he should deny himself ever having these other needs filled because he loves me? I just don't see it.

Of course I feel jealous when I think of thils. It is a normal human emotion. It does not, however, need to control me. I can feel jealous and still allow the part of me which is bigger than that to run the show. I think it is no different than allowing your children to grow up. As a mother, I feel fearful because my oldest is leaving for college soon. It is normal to feel this fear. Should I not let him go because I am afraid? Of course not! I deal with this emotion in a mature way, because I want him to live his life, to mature and grow, to be independent and successful, more than I want to hang onto him. His happiness is more important than my fear. Is this not similar to the way I feel about H?

So, the decision has been made in my heart. I only need to assert to H that I will live the rest of my life, or at least the immediate future, in a poly lifestyle. This means that with him, or without him, my future will involve more than one lover. He can either find a way to accept me under these conditions, or let me go.

the clinic

Ok, so I have now returned from my visit to the diagnostic clinic. It was a difficult few days, with the long drive and all. I am convinced, however, it will be worthwhile. My doctors there seemed to take great interest in solving the mystery that is me. So, while I still have no diagnosis, I do have some fantastic doctors putting their heads together on my behalf. This has to be enough, for now. I am happy to be back at home in my comfy chair now, and awaiting news from the clinic.

Also, making the trip a bit more interesting, (or difficult dependent on perspective), my H drove me there and back. This necessitated us sharing hotel rooms and spending many hours together. We had some productive talks, and some painful ones.

We did talk about his girlfriend. I told him I don't fully believe his story about having no feelings for her. He tells me it is just a physical thing with her. This is illogical to me in many ways, the most important one being that I know him very well. He does not operate that way, he always requires some level of emotional connection along with a sexual one. He admitted nothing, but at least I said what was on my mind. I really am not upset that he has feelings for her. I have feelings for other men as well. It simply bothers me that he can't be straight with me about it, even with the level of openness we have been striving towards.

In addition, we had a nice long talk about his suspicious nature regarding men. He is quite a contradiction in this area. He is supportive of me pursuing relationships on some level with other men. And yet, he suspects each and every one of being some type of predator, manipulating this poor defenseless woman to their will. This is both annoying and disappointing. It is probably clear to you why it is annoying. It is disappointing as I am trying to hold onto hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of polygamy. I certainly don't see that happening if he persists in seeing me as unable to judge a man's character before having a relationship with him. I feel somewhat disrespected by his suspicions, to be perfectly honest.

We spent a bit of time talking about my desire to meet P, although I felt it inappropriate to mention how deep this desire runs. H is pretty low right now, with financial troubles and all, and it seems a bit like kicking a man when he's down for me to elaborate on my desire to make love to another man. The right time will come, but it is not yet. I am impatient.

The big one, however, came about as a result of him whining about his financial troubles yet again. I recognize that he has gotten himself into a deep hole in this regard. I try to be supportive and helpful where I can, although he has paid very little in the way of child support and we are a sinking ship over here.

To be frank, though, I find it difficult to deal with these indulgences in self-pity because he did this to himself. I live a very frugal life, and that has not changed in his absence. He is the one who spent way too much on an extended stay suite after he left. He is the one who got his onetime fling pregnant(supposedly) and was bilked out of money for an abortion. He is the one who bought a car with exhorbitant payments. He is the one who spent $2500 on erectile disfunction treatment without clearing this with his insurance first. He is the one who has been robbing Peter to pay Paul in the payday loan game. He is the one with the top-of-the-line cellphone and a service plan with all the bells and whistles.

So, ok - he has to work more now to try to catch up. He feels he can't get ahead no matter what he does. He tells me I would be better off with him dead. What am I supposed to do with this?
So, rather than bite my tongue as I usually would, I told him basically that it makes me angry to hear him crying about how bad he has it when this mess was his creation. And, he didn't speak to me for hours afterward. It was very tough for me, but I maintained my calm and refused to apologize for stating my feelings. Eventually, he brought up the subject and said something to the effect of "I'm a man, I can take it". Yeah, that's real super helpful H.

I am growing, trying to be brave enough to be honest about my feelings, even if this gains his disapproval. I am quite proud of how I conducted myself over the last few days together.

two steps forward...

The upcoming visit to the diagnostic clinic is heavy on my mind. I am hopeful that some answers will come from it, although I try to never allow my hopes to get too high. That is a conditioned defense that I would like to overcome, but as yet that is still how I live my life. It would be nice to live in a world where you can expect good things to happen.

The pain is quite present today. Most days, if I find a comfortable position, and keep my mind busy, I can get beyond the pain. Today is not one of those days. It is a bad day to be down too, as I have much on my to-do list.

I am looking very much forward to the next few days. My husband and I are going to spend some time together, actually face to face. Recently, most of our communication has been over the phone or IM. Some things, however, are better discussed in person. Also, I just miss him terribly. I look forward to being close to him, hearing his laugh, seeing his smile. He has been so much a part of me, it is difficult waking up each day to his absence. He has been gone for more than 6 months now, and I am still not used to it.

During his absence, I have gone through so much emotional turmoil. I began dealing with it by keeping as busy as I could. Then the depression set in, in a very bad way. I stayed down in the abyss for quite some time. I began to pull myself out of it by accepting that he was gone, didn't want me, and it was time to move on. So, I began putting feelers out on internet dating sites. I really didn't believe I had anything to offer to anyone at that point. But, I did get responses.

I eventually started dating a bit, and made some huge mistakes on that front. As soon as someone wanted me, I took them in wholeheartedly. It was so wonderful to feel like I had value again. I did not choose wisely. I was just happy that someone saw something worth having in me.

I have come a long way in a short time from that attitude. As soon as H learned that I had someone new, he began pursuing me again. At first, I had no use for anything he had to say. Eventually, I agreed to sit down and hear him out. He came to me with more sincerity than I had ever experienced previously. He explained his actions leading up to and during our separation. It did not make it ok, but it did help in the healing process. Since then, he and I have been talking regularly, opening up about things we had never shared with each other before. It has been very good.

So, we are talking. On a whole new level. And yet, we are not back "together". I am still talking to a few men I have met online, who have become very dear to me. I am incredibly attracted to them, each in very different ways. I find it difficult to think about giving them up, or even keeping them just at a level of friendship. The more I open up and look deeply at my hidden desires, the more I believe that I want to live in a poly marriage. Husband and I have discussed this need, and he is thus far against it. I have not given up yet, giving him time to process as this really is new and huge.

I don't know what to do. I am faced with choices that I do not want to make. Having begun to read Schnarchs' "Passionate Marriage", I believe it will be helpful to me in the long run. His approach is based on making yourself better, not working on the marriage. The theory being, if you grow, your partner is forced into a choice of either growing or leaving the relationship. I think this makes complete sense, and I look forward to this process with both anticipation and anxiety. I will be forced to confront things within myself that I really would rather not. And, husband may choose to leave rather than face his own challenges. Time will tell.