pondering poly

So, had a productive talk with H this afternoon. At least, I feel hopeful. We were talking about the idea of our marriage being poly, again. After some discussion, he was able to admit that he feels poly is wrong because society says it is wrong. Now that I can work with. I began giving him examples of things which used to be expected or accepted by society and no longer are. For example: Ladies used to be expected to wear dresses. Slavery was accepted, there were even laws on the books supporting it. Society changes when little people question these norms, and begin to refuse to follow them. It is a slow process, but it works.

I am seriously questioning the entire concept of monogamy. To say I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life, carries with it the expectation that you will be able to be everything and everyone to me for the rest of my life. Is this reasonable? Is it even possible for one person, no matter who they are, to be able to satisfy all of my needs? The more I examine this expectation, the more I am convinced it is ridiculous.

I have spent my life trying to live up to something. Trying to be good enough to gain someone's approval, whether that be my parents, schoolmates, society or Brad. I have never succeeded, which has left me feeling like a miserable failure. The problem with that is I don't really need approval. If I look deeper, what I really need is acceptance. You don't have to like what I am doing, just let me do it. You don't have to like who I am, just let me be. It has taken 40 years to come to this realization.

So, I am 40 now and I will not seek approval any longer. At least, I will attempt to live in a way that makes me fully happy, and seek acceptance of this from others. Having made this decision, I am seriously questioning whether the marriage can be saved. As I stated above, H has at least opened up to thinking about why poly is "wrong" in his eyes. But, that is a long way from being able to live such a life. And, I feel this is exactly what I need.

I have always been dissatisfied in my relationship with H. Don't get me wrong, I have loved him wholeheartedly from very early on. There are so many wonderful things about him. Just the sound of his voice still softens the world for me, makes things just a little bit more ok. He is an excellent father to our kids, when he is here anyway. He has not been so great since the separation. He is intelligent, funny, loyal, hardworking. He is a wonderful, considerate lover. (I sound like I am trying to sell him, don't I?) Most importantly, I simply cannot imagine waking up every morning for the rest of my life and him not being there.

However, there are also a lot of things he is not. He is not romantic, in fact I avoid any music or movies relating to romance because they leave me feeling the lack of it in my life. He is not flirtatious with me, which leaves me feeling undesirable. He is not passionate, which leaves me feeling incapable of inspiring passion in anyone. He is not dominant (sexually), which leaves me craving to be dominated. He is not confident, which leaves me longing for a "real man". Also, he is not a woman, which leaves me craving a woman's touch, smell, taste....all the things that a man can never provide.

Why should I have to choose between feeling fulfilled, or having the love of my life? Why is it not reasonable to say that I want him to be my husband, and I want to find others who can be these things he cannot be for me? I am not interested in having flings with an endless line of strangers. I am told that my ideal life would be polyfidelity. I want H to be my love, my home base, my partner in life, my best friend. And, I want one or maybe two men, and one very special woman, who I would see regularly would fill the rest of my needs.

In addition, I recognize that I can never be all that H desires. I want him to have the same freedom. I would love for him to find a woman or women who would be able to be what I can't be for him. I would love to see him find his confidence and be truly happy for the first time. I know that I have never made him happy, never fulfilled all of his needs. I know that I never will. I used to see this as my failure. Now, however, I see it as reality. I cannot be everything to him, I can only be me. So, he should deny himself ever having these other needs filled because he loves me? I just don't see it.

Of course I feel jealous when I think of thils. It is a normal human emotion. It does not, however, need to control me. I can feel jealous and still allow the part of me which is bigger than that to run the show. I think it is no different than allowing your children to grow up. As a mother, I feel fearful because my oldest is leaving for college soon. It is normal to feel this fear. Should I not let him go because I am afraid? Of course not! I deal with this emotion in a mature way, because I want him to live his life, to mature and grow, to be independent and successful, more than I want to hang onto him. His happiness is more important than my fear. Is this not similar to the way I feel about H?

So, the decision has been made in my heart. I only need to assert to H that I will live the rest of my life, or at least the immediate future, in a poly lifestyle. This means that with him, or without him, my future will involve more than one lover. He can either find a way to accept me under these conditions, or let me go.