the clinic

Ok, so I have now returned from my visit to the diagnostic clinic. It was a difficult few days, with the long drive and all. I am convinced, however, it will be worthwhile. My doctors there seemed to take great interest in solving the mystery that is me. So, while I still have no diagnosis, I do have some fantastic doctors putting their heads together on my behalf. This has to be enough, for now. I am happy to be back at home in my comfy chair now, and awaiting news from the clinic.

Also, making the trip a bit more interesting, (or difficult dependent on perspective), my H drove me there and back. This necessitated us sharing hotel rooms and spending many hours together. We had some productive talks, and some painful ones.

We did talk about his girlfriend. I told him I don't fully believe his story about having no feelings for her. He tells me it is just a physical thing with her. This is illogical to me in many ways, the most important one being that I know him very well. He does not operate that way, he always requires some level of emotional connection along with a sexual one. He admitted nothing, but at least I said what was on my mind. I really am not upset that he has feelings for her. I have feelings for other men as well. It simply bothers me that he can't be straight with me about it, even with the level of openness we have been striving towards.

In addition, we had a nice long talk about his suspicious nature regarding men. He is quite a contradiction in this area. He is supportive of me pursuing relationships on some level with other men. And yet, he suspects each and every one of being some type of predator, manipulating this poor defenseless woman to their will. This is both annoying and disappointing. It is probably clear to you why it is annoying. It is disappointing as I am trying to hold onto hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of polygamy. I certainly don't see that happening if he persists in seeing me as unable to judge a man's character before having a relationship with him. I feel somewhat disrespected by his suspicions, to be perfectly honest.

We spent a bit of time talking about my desire to meet P, although I felt it inappropriate to mention how deep this desire runs. H is pretty low right now, with financial troubles and all, and it seems a bit like kicking a man when he's down for me to elaborate on my desire to make love to another man. The right time will come, but it is not yet. I am impatient.

The big one, however, came about as a result of him whining about his financial troubles yet again. I recognize that he has gotten himself into a deep hole in this regard. I try to be supportive and helpful where I can, although he has paid very little in the way of child support and we are a sinking ship over here.

To be frank, though, I find it difficult to deal with these indulgences in self-pity because he did this to himself. I live a very frugal life, and that has not changed in his absence. He is the one who spent way too much on an extended stay suite after he left. He is the one who got his onetime fling pregnant(supposedly) and was bilked out of money for an abortion. He is the one who bought a car with exhorbitant payments. He is the one who spent $2500 on erectile disfunction treatment without clearing this with his insurance first. He is the one who has been robbing Peter to pay Paul in the payday loan game. He is the one with the top-of-the-line cellphone and a service plan with all the bells and whistles.

So, ok - he has to work more now to try to catch up. He feels he can't get ahead no matter what he does. He tells me I would be better off with him dead. What am I supposed to do with this?
So, rather than bite my tongue as I usually would, I told him basically that it makes me angry to hear him crying about how bad he has it when this mess was his creation. And, he didn't speak to me for hours afterward. It was very tough for me, but I maintained my calm and refused to apologize for stating my feelings. Eventually, he brought up the subject and said something to the effect of "I'm a man, I can take it". Yeah, that's real super helpful H.

I am growing, trying to be brave enough to be honest about my feelings, even if this gains his disapproval. I am quite proud of how I conducted myself over the last few days together.