nocturnally speaking

I find myself completely unable to sleep tonight, well, this morning. I will place the blame firmly on the fact that my pain was enormous all day on Saturday. I think it's best not to focus on exactly how much pain medication I took trying to combat it. All of this to no avail, as I was forced to cancel my much anticipated date for the night. He was very understanding, (not surprisingly as he is an amazing man). I was, however, sorely disappointed. I am certain that we will have other opportunities in the future. I am, nevertheless, angry about yet another thing my pain has taken away from me or prevented me from enjoying. I was so looking forward to a long, passion-filled night with this incredibly sexy man. Instead, I have played games online and frumped here in my chair.

Over the last few days, I have spent a considerable amount of time talking with H. He had posed to me the question of why I don't feel I can be satisfied with monogamy. I wasn't content with giving him the obvious answers which came readily to mind. So, I have spent some time alone searching for deeper answers within. I can now visualize my sexual desires existing at three separate points on a wide spectrum. H fulfills the desire in the middle of this spectrum, "normal sex".

The desire which I see sitting toward the lefthand side of this spectrum is for an experience more gentle. I desire something gentle, tender, unhurried, playful, wildly erotic, soft and sweet. I tend to visualize this desire being fulfilled with a woman, although certain very special men enter into fantasies which touch on this as well. I cannot, however, begin to imagine H being these things successfully. He is a wonderful lover. His technical skills are beyond reproach. Yet he is neither tender nor wildly erotic. He just isn't.

Alternatively, toward the righthand end of the spectrum, resides a deep desire for an experience which is just plain raw. I desire dirty, rough, uncensored, unfettered sex where I am pushed to that magical point at which pain becomes pleasure and beyond. I know with certainty that this cannot be fulfilled with H either. It just can't be.

So, for years I have held these "unacceptable" desires at bay and forced myself to be contented with what he could do for me. At least, to appear contented and refuse to look at the discontent. The unfortunate end result of suppressing so much of my desire was that I ended up lacking desire in general. To be fair, there were other reasons our marital sexlife hit such a low point. This was, however, a significant contributing factor. All of that aside, I just don't want to do it any longer. I don't want to live out the rest of my life being only partially satisfied and having to deal with it because that's just the way it is.

All of that being said, H is relentlessly pursuing reconciliation. He even went so far as to read some web pages regarding Asperger's syndrome. I had sent him the links in hopes he would read them and gain a better understanding of me. I did not expect him to actually read them. Nor did I expect him to come back at me with valid questions and curiosities about what he had learned. I also hear evidence that he is opening his mind a bit more to the concept of poly, although I don't hear a readiness to apply it to our marriage. I can feel my defenses against his pursuit weakening, even as I know that we should not be together now.

new thoughts inspire new drama

In thinking over H's words and behavior of late, I know that this is not the man I fell in love with oh so long ago. He is clearly suffering from depression at this point, and I don't know how far back that goes. Maybe, if he were to recover from that, he would be the man I used to love and respect. Possibly I am judging him too harshly. The problem with that, however, is that he refuses to seek help.

I am battling my own depression, and feel like I carry a very heavy load. I cannot continue to carry him emotionally. What makes it truly impossible for me to help him is that he is constantly whining and complaining about where his life is at. I can't hear this without feeling a burning rage in my gut, because he is the one who made this mess. I don't want to hear him complain endlessly about having to clean it up. And, I can't express this rage to him, so I end up stuffing it, like I have always done over the years.

It is impossible to build a healthy marriage like this. So, I sent him a nice, long email this morning explaining that we need to take a break from each other. We need to work on getting ourselves healthy, able to stand on our own two feet, and then look at reconciling the marriage.
I think it makes perfect sense, and I thought I had communicated it clearly. I was very hopeful that my decision would be the breaking point he needs, and he would go talk to a counselor.

NOT! He has spent the entire day, throwing everything in the book at me. I can imagine he must have been very frustrated when all of his passive/aggressive tactics did not work. For instance, telling me that he woke up this morning the happiest man in the world because he had decided to come home. When that didn't work, he followed it up by saying he was being evicted, and would now be living in his car. These types of things always have worked before. He must really be confused now.

To further complicate my day, I found that I had received a letter from the diagnostic clinic. It basically states that they couldn't find any reason for my pain, and that it should just be treated with pain management. I feel so dejected. I am trying very hard not to let this defeat me. I still want a diagnosis, and I will continue to seek one somehow.

Because I was feeling overwhelmed by all that went on today, I got ahold of T (former lover/dear friend/future lover) and he came and got me. We spent a glorious few hours together, and for that time I forgot all about my worries. He is crazy good for me. I returned home to learn that H had taken it upon himself, while I was out, to come over and talk to the kids about us. He decided it was a good idea to tell them that he was ready to move back home, but I said no. And, that this would most likely lead to a divorce. So much for having had my stress relieved.

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I love H so very much. I want the absolute best for him. But, I am fast losing respect for him, and I don't feel attracted to the man he is showing me lately. He often just doesn't make sense when we have a conversation. His answers just don't fit. And, the whole wallowing in self pity thing is not a turnon. At the same time, I feel tremendous attraction to a couple of other men. And, I don't know the right answer there either. In essence, since H and I have been talking about reconciling, I have been living as if I am a wife, yet I have no husband. Noone is here for me, in any meaningful way. And yet, I am being faithful to him. Realistically, it is going to take him at least a year to clean up his financial mess. So, that means another year of living this way. I am not that strong. It is not fair to ask of me. If he were a soldier stationed overseas, I could wait a year. But, he is a man who did some incredibly stupid things, things which broke my heart, and have left him in this hole financially. Is it fair to ask that I deny all of my needs while he fixes this, and then maybe we can be husband and wife?

the clinic

Ok, so I have now returned from my visit to the diagnostic clinic. It was a difficult few days, with the long drive and all. I am convinced, however, it will be worthwhile. My doctors there seemed to take great interest in solving the mystery that is me. So, while I still have no diagnosis, I do have some fantastic doctors putting their heads together on my behalf. This has to be enough, for now. I am happy to be back at home in my comfy chair now, and awaiting news from the clinic.

Also, making the trip a bit more interesting, (or difficult dependent on perspective), my H drove me there and back. This necessitated us sharing hotel rooms and spending many hours together. We had some productive talks, and some painful ones.

We did talk about his girlfriend. I told him I don't fully believe his story about having no feelings for her. He tells me it is just a physical thing with her. This is illogical to me in many ways, the most important one being that I know him very well. He does not operate that way, he always requires some level of emotional connection along with a sexual one. He admitted nothing, but at least I said what was on my mind. I really am not upset that he has feelings for her. I have feelings for other men as well. It simply bothers me that he can't be straight with me about it, even with the level of openness we have been striving towards.

In addition, we had a nice long talk about his suspicious nature regarding men. He is quite a contradiction in this area. He is supportive of me pursuing relationships on some level with other men. And yet, he suspects each and every one of being some type of predator, manipulating this poor defenseless woman to their will. This is both annoying and disappointing. It is probably clear to you why it is annoying. It is disappointing as I am trying to hold onto hope that he will open his mind to the possibility of polygamy. I certainly don't see that happening if he persists in seeing me as unable to judge a man's character before having a relationship with him. I feel somewhat disrespected by his suspicions, to be perfectly honest.

We spent a bit of time talking about my desire to meet P, although I felt it inappropriate to mention how deep this desire runs. H is pretty low right now, with financial troubles and all, and it seems a bit like kicking a man when he's down for me to elaborate on my desire to make love to another man. The right time will come, but it is not yet. I am impatient.

The big one, however, came about as a result of him whining about his financial troubles yet again. I recognize that he has gotten himself into a deep hole in this regard. I try to be supportive and helpful where I can, although he has paid very little in the way of child support and we are a sinking ship over here.

To be frank, though, I find it difficult to deal with these indulgences in self-pity because he did this to himself. I live a very frugal life, and that has not changed in his absence. He is the one who spent way too much on an extended stay suite after he left. He is the one who got his onetime fling pregnant(supposedly) and was bilked out of money for an abortion. He is the one who bought a car with exhorbitant payments. He is the one who spent $2500 on erectile disfunction treatment without clearing this with his insurance first. He is the one who has been robbing Peter to pay Paul in the payday loan game. He is the one with the top-of-the-line cellphone and a service plan with all the bells and whistles.

So, ok - he has to work more now to try to catch up. He feels he can't get ahead no matter what he does. He tells me I would be better off with him dead. What am I supposed to do with this?
So, rather than bite my tongue as I usually would, I told him basically that it makes me angry to hear him crying about how bad he has it when this mess was his creation. And, he didn't speak to me for hours afterward. It was very tough for me, but I maintained my calm and refused to apologize for stating my feelings. Eventually, he brought up the subject and said something to the effect of "I'm a man, I can take it". Yeah, that's real super helpful H.

I am growing, trying to be brave enough to be honest about my feelings, even if this gains his disapproval. I am quite proud of how I conducted myself over the last few days together.

the disability

My current health issues began with a small area of pain for which no cause could be found. I pushed on, not one to be waylaid by a bit of pain. But, it continued to grow in intensity, then spread to new areas, until life in general became impossible.

I have been through so many doctors, extensive testing, many chemical attempts to relieve the pain, even hypnosis. I still am no closer to an answer or a fix, although the pain clinic has me at a manageable level on most days. I can at least now sit up in a chair, shower, drive short distances. This is major progress. And, on the horizon, I am scheduled for even more testing at a world renowned diagnostic clinic, so there is hope.

I spent months of my life unable to talk, eat solid food, or do pretty much anything that would have contributed to a meaningful life. Then, as the medication began to improve my abilities to function, the depression set in.

It is no wonder that my marriage has suffered. I want my life back. More accurately, I want a new improved version of my life. So, I am on a journey.