nocturnally speaking

I find myself completely unable to sleep tonight, well, this morning. I will place the blame firmly on the fact that my pain was enormous all day on Saturday. I think it's best not to focus on exactly how much pain medication I took trying to combat it. All of this to no avail, as I was forced to cancel my much anticipated date for the night. He was very understanding, (not surprisingly as he is an amazing man). I was, however, sorely disappointed. I am certain that we will have other opportunities in the future. I am, nevertheless, angry about yet another thing my pain has taken away from me or prevented me from enjoying. I was so looking forward to a long, passion-filled night with this incredibly sexy man. Instead, I have played games online and frumped here in my chair.

Over the last few days, I have spent a considerable amount of time talking with H. He had posed to me the question of why I don't feel I can be satisfied with monogamy. I wasn't content with giving him the obvious answers which came readily to mind. So, I have spent some time alone searching for deeper answers within. I can now visualize my sexual desires existing at three separate points on a wide spectrum. H fulfills the desire in the middle of this spectrum, "normal sex".

The desire which I see sitting toward the lefthand side of this spectrum is for an experience more gentle. I desire something gentle, tender, unhurried, playful, wildly erotic, soft and sweet. I tend to visualize this desire being fulfilled with a woman, although certain very special men enter into fantasies which touch on this as well. I cannot, however, begin to imagine H being these things successfully. He is a wonderful lover. His technical skills are beyond reproach. Yet he is neither tender nor wildly erotic. He just isn't.

Alternatively, toward the righthand end of the spectrum, resides a deep desire for an experience which is just plain raw. I desire dirty, rough, uncensored, unfettered sex where I am pushed to that magical point at which pain becomes pleasure and beyond. I know with certainty that this cannot be fulfilled with H either. It just can't be.

So, for years I have held these "unacceptable" desires at bay and forced myself to be contented with what he could do for me. At least, to appear contented and refuse to look at the discontent. The unfortunate end result of suppressing so much of my desire was that I ended up lacking desire in general. To be fair, there were other reasons our marital sexlife hit such a low point. This was, however, a significant contributing factor. All of that aside, I just don't want to do it any longer. I don't want to live out the rest of my life being only partially satisfied and having to deal with it because that's just the way it is.

All of that being said, H is relentlessly pursuing reconciliation. He even went so far as to read some web pages regarding Asperger's syndrome. I had sent him the links in hopes he would read them and gain a better understanding of me. I did not expect him to actually read them. Nor did I expect him to come back at me with valid questions and curiosities about what he had learned. I also hear evidence that he is opening his mind a bit more to the concept of poly, although I don't hear a readiness to apply it to our marriage. I can feel my defenses against his pursuit weakening, even as I know that we should not be together now.