a new day (I hope?)

The last couple of days have been so difficult for me. I feel like the break between H and myself is the right thing, but it has been traumatic for both of us. I am hopeful that he will refrain from contacting me today. I could definitely use a break from the drama. He took the day off work yesterday, and spent a good part of the day here talking things through with me. He managed to say pretty much all the right things, being supportive of my need to work on myself and all. And yet, I feel as though this was also a tactic. Am I becoming cynical?

I mean, I truly do love this man. There is a huge part of my heart which, I am convinced, will always belong to him. And yet, we are too fused (Schnarch's term). I don't believe I can learn to stand up and be an independent person, express myself honestly, as long as we are together. I always censor myself, protect him from potential pain, protect myself from perceived disapproval. I recognize now that I have lived my entire life in the pursuit of approval, and that I need to learn to live as myself, and hope instead for acceptance. I believe this time apart will be good for both of us, whether we end up back together or not. But it is so hard!

Before H left yesterday, we ended up making love. I certainly didn't plan for that to happen, but I suppose all the drama had weakened my resolve somewhat. It was very clear to me that he put his all into it, and still I felt no real connection with him. Very technically proficient. And, very heartbreaking. I am certain this would be the only time I have ever actually cried while having sex. And watching him leave, walking to his car seemingly a broken man, I admit I waivered for a moment and wanted to run after him. I cannot stand causing this man pain.

On the other hand, there are some fundamental problems with the relationship which I am not sure can be resolved, no matter how much we both grow. I wrote some the other day about his lack of true empathy when I am hurting. The more I think about it, this is one of my basic needs which has gone completely unmet for all these long years. In addition, his lack of passion is a big problem for me. I have wasted much effort convincing myself that our sex life was good. I mean, technically speaking, it was very good. He has become quite skilled. And yet, his inability to stop thinking and let passion rule leads me to hold back. I don't want to hold back anymore. I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life this way. I yearn to share all the passion and sensuality that are inside me with someone who can share the same with me.

Which brings my mind around to another conflict I feel myself struggling with. What do I really want? On the one hand, I am exploring the possibility of living the poly lifestyle. The more I research it, the more I see polyfidelity as a really good fit for me. I have never really been comfortable with the concept that one person could possibly fulfill all of my needs, forever and ever, no matter who that person is. But, I also have no interest in some long progression of flings with random people. Ideally, my social graph would include maybe 2 or 3 men, and at least one woman. We would all know each other, and be a sort of family, while not necessarily living together. This is beautiful to me.

On the other hand, having for a short time chosen to submit to a sexual dominant, I crave that again (or still). The man that I called Master has told me, on more than one occasion, that I need ownership. And, I can't disagree with that. While this need comes from a completely different place inside of me, it seems to be just as compelling. To be owned by a Master, to give my will over to him and totally submit, while trusting him completely, this touches something deep at my core.

This is all very confusing to me. I don't quite get how the need for freedom and the need to be owned can co-exist peacefully within the same individual. Further, I really don't see how both can be fulfilled simultaneously. Which is more powerful? Which will I choose to allow to determine my future? I have no idea. The simpler choice, upfront, would be to choose submission. This would absolve me of having to make further choices. Being easier, though, does not make it the right choice.