The last couple of days have been so difficult for me. I feel like the break between H and myself is the right thing, but it has been traumatic for both of us. I am hopeful that he will refrain from contacting me today. I could definitely use a break from the drama. He took the day off work yesterday, and spent a good part of the day here talking things through with me. He managed to say pretty much all the right things, being supportive of my need to work on myself and all. And yet, I feel as though this was also a tactic. Am I becoming cynical?
I mean, I truly do love this man. There is a huge part of my heart which, I am convinced, will always belong to him. And yet, we are too fused (Schnarch's term). I don't believe I can learn to stand up and be an independent person, express myself honestly, as long as we are together. I always censor myself, protect him from potential pain, protect myself from perceived disapproval. I recognize now that I have lived my entire life in the pursuit of approval, and that I need to learn to live as myself, and hope instead for acceptance. I believe this time apart will be good for both of us, whether we end up back together or not. But it is so hard!
Before H left yesterday, we ended up making love. I certainly didn't plan for that to happen, but I suppose all the drama had weakened my resolve somewhat. It was very clear to me that he put his all into it, and still I felt no real connection with him. Very technically proficient. And, very heartbreaking. I am certain this would be the only time I have ever actually cried while having sex. And watching him leave, walking to his car seemingly a broken man, I admit I waivered for a moment and wanted to run after him. I cannot stand causing this man pain.
On the other hand, there are some fundamental problems with the relationship which I am not sure can be resolved, no matter how much we both grow. I wrote some the other day about his lack of true empathy when I am hurting. The more I think about it, this is one of my basic needs which has gone completely unmet for all these long years. In addition, his lack of passion is a big problem for me. I have wasted much effort convincing myself that our sex life was good. I mean, technically speaking, it was very good. He has become quite skilled. And yet, his inability to stop thinking and let passion rule leads me to hold back. I don't want to hold back anymore. I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life this way. I yearn to share all the passion and sensuality that are inside me with someone who can share the same with me.
Which brings my mind around to another conflict I feel myself struggling with. What do I really want? On the one hand, I am exploring the possibility of living the poly lifestyle. The more I research it, the more I see polyfidelity as a really good fit for me. I have never really been comfortable with the concept that one person could possibly fulfill all of my needs, forever and ever, no matter who that person is. But, I also have no interest in some long progression of flings with random people. Ideally, my social graph would include maybe 2 or 3 men, and at least one woman. We would all know each other, and be a sort of family, while not necessarily living together. This is beautiful to me.
On the other hand, having for a short time chosen to submit to a sexual dominant, I crave that again (or still). The man that I called Master has told me, on more than one occasion, that I need ownership. And, I can't disagree with that. While this need comes from a completely different place inside of me, it seems to be just as compelling. To be owned by a Master, to give my will over to him and totally submit, while trusting him completely, this touches something deep at my core.
This is all very confusing to me. I don't quite get how the need for freedom and the need to be owned can co-exist peacefully within the same individual. Further, I really don't see how both can be fulfilled simultaneously. Which is more powerful? Which will I choose to allow to determine my future? I have no idea. The simpler choice, upfront, would be to choose submission. This would absolve me of having to make further choices. Being easier, though, does not make it the right choice.
Showing posts with label David Schnarch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David Schnarch. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
two steps forward...
The upcoming visit to the diagnostic clinic is heavy on my mind. I am hopeful that some answers will come from it, although I try to never allow my hopes to get too high. That is a conditioned defense that I would like to overcome, but as yet that is still how I live my life. It would be nice to live in a world where you can expect good things to happen.
The pain is quite present today. Most days, if I find a comfortable position, and keep my mind busy, I can get beyond the pain. Today is not one of those days. It is a bad day to be down too, as I have much on my to-do list.
I am looking very much forward to the next few days. My husband and I are going to spend some time together, actually face to face. Recently, most of our communication has been over the phone or IM. Some things, however, are better discussed in person. Also, I just miss him terribly. I look forward to being close to him, hearing his laugh, seeing his smile. He has been so much a part of me, it is difficult waking up each day to his absence. He has been gone for more than 6 months now, and I am still not used to it.
During his absence, I have gone through so much emotional turmoil. I began dealing with it by keeping as busy as I could. Then the depression set in, in a very bad way. I stayed down in the abyss for quite some time. I began to pull myself out of it by accepting that he was gone, didn't want me, and it was time to move on. So, I began putting feelers out on internet dating sites. I really didn't believe I had anything to offer to anyone at that point. But, I did get responses.
I eventually started dating a bit, and made some huge mistakes on that front. As soon as someone wanted me, I took them in wholeheartedly. It was so wonderful to feel like I had value again. I did not choose wisely. I was just happy that someone saw something worth having in me.
I have come a long way in a short time from that attitude. As soon as H learned that I had someone new, he began pursuing me again. At first, I had no use for anything he had to say. Eventually, I agreed to sit down and hear him out. He came to me with more sincerity than I had ever experienced previously. He explained his actions leading up to and during our separation. It did not make it ok, but it did help in the healing process. Since then, he and I have been talking regularly, opening up about things we had never shared with each other before. It has been very good.
So, we are talking. On a whole new level. And yet, we are not back "together". I am still talking to a few men I have met online, who have become very dear to me. I am incredibly attracted to them, each in very different ways. I find it difficult to think about giving them up, or even keeping them just at a level of friendship. The more I open up and look deeply at my hidden desires, the more I believe that I want to live in a poly marriage. Husband and I have discussed this need, and he is thus far against it. I have not given up yet, giving him time to process as this really is new and huge.
I don't know what to do. I am faced with choices that I do not want to make. Having begun to read Schnarchs' "Passionate Marriage", I believe it will be helpful to me in the long run. His approach is based on making yourself better, not working on the marriage. The theory being, if you grow, your partner is forced into a choice of either growing or leaving the relationship. I think this makes complete sense, and I look forward to this process with both anticipation and anxiety. I will be forced to confront things within myself that I really would rather not. And, husband may choose to leave rather than face his own challenges. Time will tell.
The pain is quite present today. Most days, if I find a comfortable position, and keep my mind busy, I can get beyond the pain. Today is not one of those days. It is a bad day to be down too, as I have much on my to-do list.
I am looking very much forward to the next few days. My husband and I are going to spend some time together, actually face to face. Recently, most of our communication has been over the phone or IM. Some things, however, are better discussed in person. Also, I just miss him terribly. I look forward to being close to him, hearing his laugh, seeing his smile. He has been so much a part of me, it is difficult waking up each day to his absence. He has been gone for more than 6 months now, and I am still not used to it.
During his absence, I have gone through so much emotional turmoil. I began dealing with it by keeping as busy as I could. Then the depression set in, in a very bad way. I stayed down in the abyss for quite some time. I began to pull myself out of it by accepting that he was gone, didn't want me, and it was time to move on. So, I began putting feelers out on internet dating sites. I really didn't believe I had anything to offer to anyone at that point. But, I did get responses.
I eventually started dating a bit, and made some huge mistakes on that front. As soon as someone wanted me, I took them in wholeheartedly. It was so wonderful to feel like I had value again. I did not choose wisely. I was just happy that someone saw something worth having in me.
I have come a long way in a short time from that attitude. As soon as H learned that I had someone new, he began pursuing me again. At first, I had no use for anything he had to say. Eventually, I agreed to sit down and hear him out. He came to me with more sincerity than I had ever experienced previously. He explained his actions leading up to and during our separation. It did not make it ok, but it did help in the healing process. Since then, he and I have been talking regularly, opening up about things we had never shared with each other before. It has been very good.
So, we are talking. On a whole new level. And yet, we are not back "together". I am still talking to a few men I have met online, who have become very dear to me. I am incredibly attracted to them, each in very different ways. I find it difficult to think about giving them up, or even keeping them just at a level of friendship. The more I open up and look deeply at my hidden desires, the more I believe that I want to live in a poly marriage. Husband and I have discussed this need, and he is thus far against it. I have not given up yet, giving him time to process as this really is new and huge.
I don't know what to do. I am faced with choices that I do not want to make. Having begun to read Schnarchs' "Passionate Marriage", I believe it will be helpful to me in the long run. His approach is based on making yourself better, not working on the marriage. The theory being, if you grow, your partner is forced into a choice of either growing or leaving the relationship. I think this makes complete sense, and I look forward to this process with both anticipation and anxiety. I will be forced to confront things within myself that I really would rather not. And, husband may choose to leave rather than face his own challenges. Time will tell.
Monday, July 20, 2009
the marriage
Well, here goes - my attempt to summarize the more than two decades that the two of us have been attempting to be happy together.
When we met, I was still in high school, but soon to be a dropout. I was in the midst of fullon teenage rebellion, with absolute zero self esteem. I was drinking, experimenting with drugs, sleeping around all over the place. I was just a big pile of mess at that point in my life.
In comes my knight in shining armour. He was only a couple of years older than me, in college at the time. I fell in love with him almost instantly. He saw more in me than a piece of ass. He wanted to know ME! I didn't care what anyone else thought, this was the man for me and I was head over heels.
Once we had established a relationship, he began to urge me towards making better choices. I stopped many of my unhealthy behaviors, thanks to his influence. So, that is the very positive side of our early years together.
The negative side, well, we had a lot of rocky times. We were both very young, with very little understanding of how to be in a relationship. He did things that hurt me, I did the same to him. We broke up and were drawn back together so many times. We learned from our mistakes, most of the time.
Eventually, after around 7 years and two kids, we finally were married. There was no proposal, no romance, just a decision made due to outside influences and a realization that we might as well. Certainly not the romantic dream we girls grow up hoping for, but I was happy. He was mine!
And, here we are 15 years later. There are now three teenage sons, who are amazing kids by the way. Husband and I are currently separated and realizing that we had lost the ability to communicate with each other in any meaningful way, which led to a sex life that was beyond hopeless.
We are talking now, opening up about things that we never have in the past. I am uncertain whether the marriage can be saved, or should be saved. For now, I am reading (currently "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch), getting to know myself better, and trying to be a more authentic version of myself. That is all I can do, I think. What he chooses to do is outside my control.
When we met, I was still in high school, but soon to be a dropout. I was in the midst of fullon teenage rebellion, with absolute zero self esteem. I was drinking, experimenting with drugs, sleeping around all over the place. I was just a big pile of mess at that point in my life.
In comes my knight in shining armour. He was only a couple of years older than me, in college at the time. I fell in love with him almost instantly. He saw more in me than a piece of ass. He wanted to know ME! I didn't care what anyone else thought, this was the man for me and I was head over heels.
Once we had established a relationship, he began to urge me towards making better choices. I stopped many of my unhealthy behaviors, thanks to his influence. So, that is the very positive side of our early years together.
The negative side, well, we had a lot of rocky times. We were both very young, with very little understanding of how to be in a relationship. He did things that hurt me, I did the same to him. We broke up and were drawn back together so many times. We learned from our mistakes, most of the time.
Eventually, after around 7 years and two kids, we finally were married. There was no proposal, no romance, just a decision made due to outside influences and a realization that we might as well. Certainly not the romantic dream we girls grow up hoping for, but I was happy. He was mine!
And, here we are 15 years later. There are now three teenage sons, who are amazing kids by the way. Husband and I are currently separated and realizing that we had lost the ability to communicate with each other in any meaningful way, which led to a sex life that was beyond hopeless.
We are talking now, opening up about things that we never have in the past. I am uncertain whether the marriage can be saved, or should be saved. For now, I am reading (currently "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch), getting to know myself better, and trying to be a more authentic version of myself. That is all I can do, I think. What he chooses to do is outside my control.
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