two steps forward...

The upcoming visit to the diagnostic clinic is heavy on my mind. I am hopeful that some answers will come from it, although I try to never allow my hopes to get too high. That is a conditioned defense that I would like to overcome, but as yet that is still how I live my life. It would be nice to live in a world where you can expect good things to happen.

The pain is quite present today. Most days, if I find a comfortable position, and keep my mind busy, I can get beyond the pain. Today is not one of those days. It is a bad day to be down too, as I have much on my to-do list.

I am looking very much forward to the next few days. My husband and I are going to spend some time together, actually face to face. Recently, most of our communication has been over the phone or IM. Some things, however, are better discussed in person. Also, I just miss him terribly. I look forward to being close to him, hearing his laugh, seeing his smile. He has been so much a part of me, it is difficult waking up each day to his absence. He has been gone for more than 6 months now, and I am still not used to it.

During his absence, I have gone through so much emotional turmoil. I began dealing with it by keeping as busy as I could. Then the depression set in, in a very bad way. I stayed down in the abyss for quite some time. I began to pull myself out of it by accepting that he was gone, didn't want me, and it was time to move on. So, I began putting feelers out on internet dating sites. I really didn't believe I had anything to offer to anyone at that point. But, I did get responses.

I eventually started dating a bit, and made some huge mistakes on that front. As soon as someone wanted me, I took them in wholeheartedly. It was so wonderful to feel like I had value again. I did not choose wisely. I was just happy that someone saw something worth having in me.

I have come a long way in a short time from that attitude. As soon as H learned that I had someone new, he began pursuing me again. At first, I had no use for anything he had to say. Eventually, I agreed to sit down and hear him out. He came to me with more sincerity than I had ever experienced previously. He explained his actions leading up to and during our separation. It did not make it ok, but it did help in the healing process. Since then, he and I have been talking regularly, opening up about things we had never shared with each other before. It has been very good.

So, we are talking. On a whole new level. And yet, we are not back "together". I am still talking to a few men I have met online, who have become very dear to me. I am incredibly attracted to them, each in very different ways. I find it difficult to think about giving them up, or even keeping them just at a level of friendship. The more I open up and look deeply at my hidden desires, the more I believe that I want to live in a poly marriage. Husband and I have discussed this need, and he is thus far against it. I have not given up yet, giving him time to process as this really is new and huge.

I don't know what to do. I am faced with choices that I do not want to make. Having begun to read Schnarchs' "Passionate Marriage", I believe it will be helpful to me in the long run. His approach is based on making yourself better, not working on the marriage. The theory being, if you grow, your partner is forced into a choice of either growing or leaving the relationship. I think this makes complete sense, and I look forward to this process with both anticipation and anxiety. I will be forced to confront things within myself that I really would rather not. And, husband may choose to leave rather than face his own challenges. Time will tell.

the marriage

Well, here goes - my attempt to summarize the more than two decades that the two of us have been attempting to be happy together.

When we met, I was still in high school, but soon to be a dropout. I was in the midst of fullon teenage rebellion, with absolute zero self esteem. I was drinking, experimenting with drugs, sleeping around all over the place. I was just a big pile of mess at that point in my life.

In comes my knight in shining armour. He was only a couple of years older than me, in college at the time. I fell in love with him almost instantly. He saw more in me than a piece of ass. He wanted to know ME! I didn't care what anyone else thought, this was the man for me and I was head over heels.

Once we had established a relationship, he began to urge me towards making better choices. I stopped many of my unhealthy behaviors, thanks to his influence. So, that is the very positive side of our early years together.

The negative side, well, we had a lot of rocky times. We were both very young, with very little understanding of how to be in a relationship. He did things that hurt me, I did the same to him. We broke up and were drawn back together so many times. We learned from our mistakes, most of the time.

Eventually, after around 7 years and two kids, we finally were married. There was no proposal, no romance, just a decision made due to outside influences and a realization that we might as well. Certainly not the romantic dream we girls grow up hoping for, but I was happy. He was mine!

And, here we are 15 years later. There are now three teenage sons, who are amazing kids by the way. Husband and I are currently separated and realizing that we had lost the ability to communicate with each other in any meaningful way, which led to a sex life that was beyond hopeless.

We are talking now, opening up about things that we never have in the past. I am uncertain whether the marriage can be saved, or should be saved. For now, I am reading (currently "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch), getting to know myself better, and trying to be a more authentic version of myself. That is all I can do, I think. What he chooses to do is outside my control.