Alone Again (Naturally)

I am in a much better space this morning than that of my lost posting. After the writing of that most recent post, I spent some time chatting with a couple of very good friends over the course of the afternoon. The result of all that writing and chatting brought me to the realization that what I was feeling was angry. I don't do angry very well, in any situation, but in particular I'm not very good at being angry with H. I tend to internalize these feelings, directing them inward toward myself rather than at him. Having recognized and named the emotion I was dealing with, I felt somewhat better.

Later that evening, my online friend IL and I made the jump from communicating online to actually speaking on the phone for the first time. I had been concerned that the easy flow between us might suffer once we moved to a more intimate means of communication, but that was just not the case. We talked for a very long time, covering many topics, and wound up spending some very passionate time exploring the anticipation and fantasy surrounding our future first meeting. I was absolutely amazed by how close and connected I felt to him, what with miles and a phone line separating us. I think I may have a crush on this man! Shortly after we ended our maiden phone conversation, I drifted off into the most peaceful state of sleep I'd experienced in some time.

Upon waking late the next morning, I felt much more in control of my emotional state. I spent some more time looking at my anger, and formulating a plan on how to deal with it best. My conclusion was that the current relationship between H and I just cannot work for me. I am in pain all day, each and every day, trying to wrap my mind around the reasons for his not being here. So, I made the decision finally to be fully open with him about my feelings of rejection and such related to his failure to move home when agreed upon. H then spent some time offering further explanation for his hesitance, and I do understand better where he is coming from. He is afraid. I can relate to that. I am also afraid that this might not work.

But, at some point, one must make a leap of faith. And, also at some point, one must establish personal boundaries for what they are willing to accept from a partner. I told him that he needed to either shit or get off of the proverbial pot, and we established a 24 hour window of opportunity for him to do so. I feel good about this exchange, in that I was open about what my feelings are and what I need. I took a stand for myself, knowing there was risk involved. On the flip side, I am scared. I know he doesn't deal well at all with being backed into a corner. And, I know that regardless of my intentions, on some level he has to have interpreted this as an ultimatum. There is a high probability that he will decide to remain separated. I have to be prepared to accept that.

I am not in the habit of quoting song lyrics in this space, but one snippet of lyric from a 70s song by Gilbert O'Sullivan seems to be on continuous loop in my mind this morning:

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces