I am in a serious funk today. I am attempting to look at what is behind it, but I see nothing but the ugly mood that has washed over me. I feel small, insignificant, ugly, unloved and unlovable. My overwhelming desire is to crawl into the corner and make myself as small as possible until this passes. I have tried, in the past, to analyze this need to be small. I don't get it. When I am in this mode, I feel very much like a lost child, in need of comfort or direction, and noone is there for me. My only coping mechanism is to hide.

Anyway, we'll take a look at some of what has been happening in my world. Maybe I'll have one of those "aha" moments, and be able to see where I am at. The largest thing I am dealing with is H, of course. My agreement to allow him to move back in was a huge leap of faith on my part. Since then, he has spent all of two nights here. Apparently, sleeping in our bed with me brought up some strong emotional responses for him. I don't pretend to undertand. I try. I really listen to him and try to get where he is coming from. What I really get, though, is my interpretation that, once again, he wanted me desparately as long as I was unavailable. As soon as I opened up and welcomed him home, he backed up. I can't begin to describe the level of pain this has inflicted on me. And, while I try to accept that he has every right to his own feelings, and to the space he needs to deal with them, I want very much to throw a temper tantrum.

I feel now like I am back to living in limbo. Do I have a husband? He says that I do, yet this husband prefers to sleep elsewhere and leave me crying myself to sleep, cuddled with a pillow night after night. I know that I need to reach out to my friends to fight off this feeling of complete isolation. And yet, I can't do that. I want to be left alone to wallow around in my depression and self pity. All of the progress I believed I had made, and this man has reduced me to this point once again. Sometimes I wish that I could hate him. Life would be so much easier if I could bring myself to that point.

On a more positive note, H did come by and spend some quality time with me yesterday on his way to work. We just held each other for the longest time, and it was so peaceful to lay beside him. Then, out of the blue, he began biting my neck and treating me very roughly. This was a total surprise, as I certainly didn't see him as capable of such rough play. He continued biting, twisting, pulling hair, worked me up into a total frenzy, then gave me exactly what I needed. After, we lay together and he held me until I fell asleep in his arms. I don't know who this person was, it certainly was not the H that I know. We have not had an opportunity to talk about it yet. I know that I had talked with him about desiring such roughness, so I suppose this must have been his attempt at giving me what I need. I do think we need to have a good conversation about it.

When I woke up a bit later, I felt so very good. I jumped in and got as much done around the house as my pain level would allow. This was my first attempt at accomplishing household tasks in days, really. I wish the good mood and pain tolerance had held out longer, though, as the house is truly in ruins. I know that my surroundings tend to reflect the level of order/chaos I am living in emotionally. I also know that I can improve my mental state by improving my physical environment. If I could just muster the will to tackle the mess around here, I know it would be a good thing for everyone. I will try.