I am in a serious funk today. I am attempting to look at what is behind it, but I see nothing but the ugly mood that has washed over me. I feel small, insignificant, ugly, unloved and unlovable. My overwhelming desire is to crawl into the corner and make myself as small as possible until this passes. I have tried, in the past, to analyze this need to be small. I don't get it. When I am in this mode, I feel very much like a lost child, in need of comfort or direction, and noone is there for me. My only coping mechanism is to hide.

Anyway, we'll take a look at some of what has been happening in my world. Maybe I'll have one of those "aha" moments, and be able to see where I am at. The largest thing I am dealing with is H, of course. My agreement to allow him to move back in was a huge leap of faith on my part. Since then, he has spent all of two nights here. Apparently, sleeping in our bed with me brought up some strong emotional responses for him. I don't pretend to undertand. I try. I really listen to him and try to get where he is coming from. What I really get, though, is my interpretation that, once again, he wanted me desparately as long as I was unavailable. As soon as I opened up and welcomed him home, he backed up. I can't begin to describe the level of pain this has inflicted on me. And, while I try to accept that he has every right to his own feelings, and to the space he needs to deal with them, I want very much to throw a temper tantrum.

I feel now like I am back to living in limbo. Do I have a husband? He says that I do, yet this husband prefers to sleep elsewhere and leave me crying myself to sleep, cuddled with a pillow night after night. I know that I need to reach out to my friends to fight off this feeling of complete isolation. And yet, I can't do that. I want to be left alone to wallow around in my depression and self pity. All of the progress I believed I had made, and this man has reduced me to this point once again. Sometimes I wish that I could hate him. Life would be so much easier if I could bring myself to that point.

On a more positive note, H did come by and spend some quality time with me yesterday on his way to work. We just held each other for the longest time, and it was so peaceful to lay beside him. Then, out of the blue, he began biting my neck and treating me very roughly. This was a total surprise, as I certainly didn't see him as capable of such rough play. He continued biting, twisting, pulling hair, worked me up into a total frenzy, then gave me exactly what I needed. After, we lay together and he held me until I fell asleep in his arms. I don't know who this person was, it certainly was not the H that I know. We have not had an opportunity to talk about it yet. I know that I had talked with him about desiring such roughness, so I suppose this must have been his attempt at giving me what I need. I do think we need to have a good conversation about it.

When I woke up a bit later, I felt so very good. I jumped in and got as much done around the house as my pain level would allow. This was my first attempt at accomplishing household tasks in days, really. I wish the good mood and pain tolerance had held out longer, though, as the house is truly in ruins. I know that my surroundings tend to reflect the level of order/chaos I am living in emotionally. I also know that I can improve my mental state by improving my physical environment. If I could just muster the will to tackle the mess around here, I know it would be a good thing for everyone. I will try.

new thoughts inspire new drama

In thinking over H's words and behavior of late, I know that this is not the man I fell in love with oh so long ago. He is clearly suffering from depression at this point, and I don't know how far back that goes. Maybe, if he were to recover from that, he would be the man I used to love and respect. Possibly I am judging him too harshly. The problem with that, however, is that he refuses to seek help.

I am battling my own depression, and feel like I carry a very heavy load. I cannot continue to carry him emotionally. What makes it truly impossible for me to help him is that he is constantly whining and complaining about where his life is at. I can't hear this without feeling a burning rage in my gut, because he is the one who made this mess. I don't want to hear him complain endlessly about having to clean it up. And, I can't express this rage to him, so I end up stuffing it, like I have always done over the years.

It is impossible to build a healthy marriage like this. So, I sent him a nice, long email this morning explaining that we need to take a break from each other. We need to work on getting ourselves healthy, able to stand on our own two feet, and then look at reconciling the marriage.
I think it makes perfect sense, and I thought I had communicated it clearly. I was very hopeful that my decision would be the breaking point he needs, and he would go talk to a counselor.

NOT! He has spent the entire day, throwing everything in the book at me. I can imagine he must have been very frustrated when all of his passive/aggressive tactics did not work. For instance, telling me that he woke up this morning the happiest man in the world because he had decided to come home. When that didn't work, he followed it up by saying he was being evicted, and would now be living in his car. These types of things always have worked before. He must really be confused now.

To further complicate my day, I found that I had received a letter from the diagnostic clinic. It basically states that they couldn't find any reason for my pain, and that it should just be treated with pain management. I feel so dejected. I am trying very hard not to let this defeat me. I still want a diagnosis, and I will continue to seek one somehow.

Because I was feeling overwhelmed by all that went on today, I got ahold of T (former lover/dear friend/future lover) and he came and got me. We spent a glorious few hours together, and for that time I forgot all about my worries. He is crazy good for me. I returned home to learn that H had taken it upon himself, while I was out, to come over and talk to the kids about us. He decided it was a good idea to tell them that he was ready to move back home, but I said no. And, that this would most likely lead to a divorce. So much for having had my stress relieved.

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I love H so very much. I want the absolute best for him. But, I am fast losing respect for him, and I don't feel attracted to the man he is showing me lately. He often just doesn't make sense when we have a conversation. His answers just don't fit. And, the whole wallowing in self pity thing is not a turnon. At the same time, I feel tremendous attraction to a couple of other men. And, I don't know the right answer there either. In essence, since H and I have been talking about reconciling, I have been living as if I am a wife, yet I have no husband. Noone is here for me, in any meaningful way. And yet, I am being faithful to him. Realistically, it is going to take him at least a year to clean up his financial mess. So, that means another year of living this way. I am not that strong. It is not fair to ask of me. If he were a soldier stationed overseas, I could wait a year. But, he is a man who did some incredibly stupid things, things which broke my heart, and have left him in this hole financially. Is it fair to ask that I deny all of my needs while he fixes this, and then maybe we can be husband and wife?