new thoughts inspire new drama

In thinking over H's words and behavior of late, I know that this is not the man I fell in love with oh so long ago. He is clearly suffering from depression at this point, and I don't know how far back that goes. Maybe, if he were to recover from that, he would be the man I used to love and respect. Possibly I am judging him too harshly. The problem with that, however, is that he refuses to seek help.

I am battling my own depression, and feel like I carry a very heavy load. I cannot continue to carry him emotionally. What makes it truly impossible for me to help him is that he is constantly whining and complaining about where his life is at. I can't hear this without feeling a burning rage in my gut, because he is the one who made this mess. I don't want to hear him complain endlessly about having to clean it up. And, I can't express this rage to him, so I end up stuffing it, like I have always done over the years.

It is impossible to build a healthy marriage like this. So, I sent him a nice, long email this morning explaining that we need to take a break from each other. We need to work on getting ourselves healthy, able to stand on our own two feet, and then look at reconciling the marriage.
I think it makes perfect sense, and I thought I had communicated it clearly. I was very hopeful that my decision would be the breaking point he needs, and he would go talk to a counselor.

NOT! He has spent the entire day, throwing everything in the book at me. I can imagine he must have been very frustrated when all of his passive/aggressive tactics did not work. For instance, telling me that he woke up this morning the happiest man in the world because he had decided to come home. When that didn't work, he followed it up by saying he was being evicted, and would now be living in his car. These types of things always have worked before. He must really be confused now.

To further complicate my day, I found that I had received a letter from the diagnostic clinic. It basically states that they couldn't find any reason for my pain, and that it should just be treated with pain management. I feel so dejected. I am trying very hard not to let this defeat me. I still want a diagnosis, and I will continue to seek one somehow.

Because I was feeling overwhelmed by all that went on today, I got ahold of T (former lover/dear friend/future lover) and he came and got me. We spent a glorious few hours together, and for that time I forgot all about my worries. He is crazy good for me. I returned home to learn that H had taken it upon himself, while I was out, to come over and talk to the kids about us. He decided it was a good idea to tell them that he was ready to move back home, but I said no. And, that this would most likely lead to a divorce. So much for having had my stress relieved.

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I love H so very much. I want the absolute best for him. But, I am fast losing respect for him, and I don't feel attracted to the man he is showing me lately. He often just doesn't make sense when we have a conversation. His answers just don't fit. And, the whole wallowing in self pity thing is not a turnon. At the same time, I feel tremendous attraction to a couple of other men. And, I don't know the right answer there either. In essence, since H and I have been talking about reconciling, I have been living as if I am a wife, yet I have no husband. Noone is here for me, in any meaningful way. And yet, I am being faithful to him. Realistically, it is going to take him at least a year to clean up his financial mess. So, that means another year of living this way. I am not that strong. It is not fair to ask of me. If he were a soldier stationed overseas, I could wait a year. But, he is a man who did some incredibly stupid things, things which broke my heart, and have left him in this hole financially. Is it fair to ask that I deny all of my needs while he fixes this, and then maybe we can be husband and wife?

basic truths

I have learned much in the last couple of days. Most of which I am still processing, trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge. My mind is positively swirling. Let me try to put some of it into words, in some sort of logical order.

Had a conversation with H a couple of days ago, via IM. It eventually devolved to the point of us both being angry and hurt. I tried to end the conversation politely, stating that we were both getting angry and we needed to back up and let our emotions cool. H did not listen to this, accusing me of running away. He continued to chat, saying some things which were very hurtful to me. He says they were not intentionally hurtful, I am not sure that I buy that. Anyway, I told him very clearly, "your words are hurting me". He continued to sling arrows at me. I finally reached my limit, told him I had to go, and ended the chat.

Of course, he immediately called the house. One of the boys answered, and H insisted on talking to me. I asked my son to please take a message and I would return the call. Then, H called back and left a voicemail, venting more of the things he needed to get off his chest. All of this after I had told him, in very direct words, that I was breaking down emotionally.

I took some time to really think this through. This scenario is very representative of any time in our relationship when I have been in pain. And, this is just not ok for me. This is why I keep my feelings to myself. He may not have ever overtly stated it, but this type of interaction speaks clearly. His need to vent was more important than my pain. I don't want to live like that. I feel as though my feelings don't matter at all. Or, in the best possible view, they rank pretty low on the priority list.

This is a basic truth. A fundamental need of mine which has never been met in my relationship with H. I need to feel as though my feelings are of equal importance to his. I don't want to be put first, or sacrificed for. I just need to be equal. When he is in pain, regardless of whether I have caused the pain or not, my first inclination is to comfort him. I need reciprocation in this area.

Ok, let's update things here. Just prior to beginning the writing of this post, H and I were chatting. Again, the chat devolved to the point where we were not communicating. I told him nicely that I needed to go, that I was feeling too emotional to continue talking right then. And, I signed off. So, as I was writing the previous paragraph, he called the house. He began telling me that he had left a long message for me, yada yada yada. I told him my mind and heart are not open to hearing him right now. I feel angry, and it is not a good time. He continued, telling me that I am being selfish and whatnot. I finally said "I want to hear what you have to say, and I can't hear it right now." And, I hung up the phone.

Am I being selfish? I struggle with that concept. I don't like selfish people. I truly don't want to become one. Is it selfish to assert my needs? I feel like it is not. I feel like it is a basic human right, to say I need "x" and be heard. I have always either been denied, or denied myself this right. Maybe it feels like I'm being selfish to those around me, simply because I have not done it before.

In an earlier chat, my former lover/dear friend/future lover?, we'll call him T, stated something to the effect of "when you are in pain, I am in pain". This went straight through to the core of me. Why can't this man, whom I have loved for 22 years, and who professes to love me, feel the same? Why have I never felt that level of devotion coming from him? Is there any way that I can spend the rest of my life with a man who does not feel this way?