goings and comings

First, the goings. Our oldest son is off to college in a few days. We have nearly everything together that he needs to start off with, in spite of current financial crises. He is excited, of course. I suppose I am excited for him as well, although I am reluctant to have the first one leave the nest. I feel incredibly old. I suppose, though, it doesn't much matter how I feel about it.
This is just a part of the process, and I will let him go gracefully. I just hope we have instilled enough good in him to help him make good choices when he is out there in the world on his own.

Now, on to the comings. After eight or nine weeks of increasingly open communication, I have agreed to allow H to move home. This, with the stipulation that we continue to discuss the type of marriage we will have going forward (i.e. poly/open/swinging/whatever) until we reach something that feels good for both of us. I refuse to agree to long term monogamy, now that I understand my needs. He is opening his mind slowly, so I feel confident we will find a workable solution.

This, providing we don't fall back into old patterns. I am fearful of exactly that, which is why I had insisted on us remaining separated until now. But, his lease is about to run out on the current bachelor pad. It seems silly to sign another lease, and the reduction in expenses will certainly be a welcome break for both of us. So, we will give this a try. He actually cried when I told him I had reached this decision. He just held me and cried. I can count the number of times I have seen him cry on one hand. I feel like he is sincere in his intent to do the work necessary to make our marriage whole and happy. Still, I did not cry at all. I can only assume I am somehow reserving emotion until it actually happens. I tend to keep my expectations low, in general, in order to avoid crushing disappointments. I imagine I am doing the same here as well. I suppose I do feel I am making the right choice. I am just not what you might call giddy about it at this point. We'll see.