basic truths

I have learned much in the last couple of days. Most of which I am still processing, trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge. My mind is positively swirling. Let me try to put some of it into words, in some sort of logical order.

Had a conversation with H a couple of days ago, via IM. It eventually devolved to the point of us both being angry and hurt. I tried to end the conversation politely, stating that we were both getting angry and we needed to back up and let our emotions cool. H did not listen to this, accusing me of running away. He continued to chat, saying some things which were very hurtful to me. He says they were not intentionally hurtful, I am not sure that I buy that. Anyway, I told him very clearly, "your words are hurting me". He continued to sling arrows at me. I finally reached my limit, told him I had to go, and ended the chat.

Of course, he immediately called the house. One of the boys answered, and H insisted on talking to me. I asked my son to please take a message and I would return the call. Then, H called back and left a voicemail, venting more of the things he needed to get off his chest. All of this after I had told him, in very direct words, that I was breaking down emotionally.

I took some time to really think this through. This scenario is very representative of any time in our relationship when I have been in pain. And, this is just not ok for me. This is why I keep my feelings to myself. He may not have ever overtly stated it, but this type of interaction speaks clearly. His need to vent was more important than my pain. I don't want to live like that. I feel as though my feelings don't matter at all. Or, in the best possible view, they rank pretty low on the priority list.

This is a basic truth. A fundamental need of mine which has never been met in my relationship with H. I need to feel as though my feelings are of equal importance to his. I don't want to be put first, or sacrificed for. I just need to be equal. When he is in pain, regardless of whether I have caused the pain or not, my first inclination is to comfort him. I need reciprocation in this area.

Ok, let's update things here. Just prior to beginning the writing of this post, H and I were chatting. Again, the chat devolved to the point where we were not communicating. I told him nicely that I needed to go, that I was feeling too emotional to continue talking right then. And, I signed off. So, as I was writing the previous paragraph, he called the house. He began telling me that he had left a long message for me, yada yada yada. I told him my mind and heart are not open to hearing him right now. I feel angry, and it is not a good time. He continued, telling me that I am being selfish and whatnot. I finally said "I want to hear what you have to say, and I can't hear it right now." And, I hung up the phone.

Am I being selfish? I struggle with that concept. I don't like selfish people. I truly don't want to become one. Is it selfish to assert my needs? I feel like it is not. I feel like it is a basic human right, to say I need "x" and be heard. I have always either been denied, or denied myself this right. Maybe it feels like I'm being selfish to those around me, simply because I have not done it before.

In an earlier chat, my former lover/dear friend/future lover?, we'll call him T, stated something to the effect of "when you are in pain, I am in pain". This went straight through to the core of me. Why can't this man, whom I have loved for 22 years, and who professes to love me, feel the same? Why have I never felt that level of devotion coming from him? Is there any way that I can spend the rest of my life with a man who does not feel this way?

slogging the blog

I am spending some time this morning reading old posts by 2amsomewhere, finding much of it meaningful in my current situation. In the following link:

http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2007/01/i-am-not-next-american-idol.html

I found a quote by Julia Grey which resonates strongly in my soul.

"The heroic you is defined from within,by examining your owreality,not
by comparison to other people.

So you don't say to yourself,"I'm okay because other people are worse."
But you also don't say,"I'm terrible because other people are so much
better."