Alone Again (Naturally)

I am in a much better space this morning than that of my lost posting. After the writing of that most recent post, I spent some time chatting with a couple of very good friends over the course of the afternoon. The result of all that writing and chatting brought me to the realization that what I was feeling was angry. I don't do angry very well, in any situation, but in particular I'm not very good at being angry with H. I tend to internalize these feelings, directing them inward toward myself rather than at him. Having recognized and named the emotion I was dealing with, I felt somewhat better.

Later that evening, my online friend IL and I made the jump from communicating online to actually speaking on the phone for the first time. I had been concerned that the easy flow between us might suffer once we moved to a more intimate means of communication, but that was just not the case. We talked for a very long time, covering many topics, and wound up spending some very passionate time exploring the anticipation and fantasy surrounding our future first meeting. I was absolutely amazed by how close and connected I felt to him, what with miles and a phone line separating us. I think I may have a crush on this man! Shortly after we ended our maiden phone conversation, I drifted off into the most peaceful state of sleep I'd experienced in some time.

Upon waking late the next morning, I felt much more in control of my emotional state. I spent some more time looking at my anger, and formulating a plan on how to deal with it best. My conclusion was that the current relationship between H and I just cannot work for me. I am in pain all day, each and every day, trying to wrap my mind around the reasons for his not being here. So, I made the decision finally to be fully open with him about my feelings of rejection and such related to his failure to move home when agreed upon. H then spent some time offering further explanation for his hesitance, and I do understand better where he is coming from. He is afraid. I can relate to that. I am also afraid that this might not work.

But, at some point, one must make a leap of faith. And, also at some point, one must establish personal boundaries for what they are willing to accept from a partner. I told him that he needed to either shit or get off of the proverbial pot, and we established a 24 hour window of opportunity for him to do so. I feel good about this exchange, in that I was open about what my feelings are and what I need. I took a stand for myself, knowing there was risk involved. On the flip side, I am scared. I know he doesn't deal well at all with being backed into a corner. And, I know that regardless of my intentions, on some level he has to have interpreted this as an ultimatum. There is a high probability that he will decide to remain separated. I have to be prepared to accept that.

I am not in the habit of quoting song lyrics in this space, but one snippet of lyric from a 70s song by Gilbert O'Sullivan seems to be on continuous loop in my mind this morning:

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces

I am in a serious funk today. I am attempting to look at what is behind it, but I see nothing but the ugly mood that has washed over me. I feel small, insignificant, ugly, unloved and unlovable. My overwhelming desire is to crawl into the corner and make myself as small as possible until this passes. I have tried, in the past, to analyze this need to be small. I don't get it. When I am in this mode, I feel very much like a lost child, in need of comfort or direction, and noone is there for me. My only coping mechanism is to hide.

Anyway, we'll take a look at some of what has been happening in my world. Maybe I'll have one of those "aha" moments, and be able to see where I am at. The largest thing I am dealing with is H, of course. My agreement to allow him to move back in was a huge leap of faith on my part. Since then, he has spent all of two nights here. Apparently, sleeping in our bed with me brought up some strong emotional responses for him. I don't pretend to undertand. I try. I really listen to him and try to get where he is coming from. What I really get, though, is my interpretation that, once again, he wanted me desparately as long as I was unavailable. As soon as I opened up and welcomed him home, he backed up. I can't begin to describe the level of pain this has inflicted on me. And, while I try to accept that he has every right to his own feelings, and to the space he needs to deal with them, I want very much to throw a temper tantrum.

I feel now like I am back to living in limbo. Do I have a husband? He says that I do, yet this husband prefers to sleep elsewhere and leave me crying myself to sleep, cuddled with a pillow night after night. I know that I need to reach out to my friends to fight off this feeling of complete isolation. And yet, I can't do that. I want to be left alone to wallow around in my depression and self pity. All of the progress I believed I had made, and this man has reduced me to this point once again. Sometimes I wish that I could hate him. Life would be so much easier if I could bring myself to that point.

On a more positive note, H did come by and spend some quality time with me yesterday on his way to work. We just held each other for the longest time, and it was so peaceful to lay beside him. Then, out of the blue, he began biting my neck and treating me very roughly. This was a total surprise, as I certainly didn't see him as capable of such rough play. He continued biting, twisting, pulling hair, worked me up into a total frenzy, then gave me exactly what I needed. After, we lay together and he held me until I fell asleep in his arms. I don't know who this person was, it certainly was not the H that I know. We have not had an opportunity to talk about it yet. I know that I had talked with him about desiring such roughness, so I suppose this must have been his attempt at giving me what I need. I do think we need to have a good conversation about it.

When I woke up a bit later, I felt so very good. I jumped in and got as much done around the house as my pain level would allow. This was my first attempt at accomplishing household tasks in days, really. I wish the good mood and pain tolerance had held out longer, though, as the house is truly in ruins. I know that my surroundings tend to reflect the level of order/chaos I am living in emotionally. I also know that I can improve my mental state by improving my physical environment. If I could just muster the will to tackle the mess around here, I know it would be a good thing for everyone. I will try.

So, there's been so much going on and yet I feel I have nothing to write. My head is filled with chaos, tiny snippets of thought swirling around - seemingly incapable of connecting to form anything that might be coherent. I need to write, though. I know of no other effective way to forge those snippets into nuggets of wisdom, or at the very least truth. So, bear with me as I try.

The move back home for H has been fraught with drama. He is bringing his things home, ever so slowly. I believe he now has everything moved except for the large furniture items. However, it has been a slow, painful process for both of us. I wish I could understand his side of the process. I want to. But, my own emotional responses keep getting in the way of that understanding. We both are determined to stick it out, though, and work through the issues as they come up.

Yesterday was not good. Well, mostly not good, anyway. We did a fair amount of arguing, some of it pretty unhealthy. However, I wish to document what was good so that I might look back on it someday and remember this first. So, I woke up angry with him for something from the night before. When he contacted me by instant message I was being short and snippy with him. He asked me what was wrong. To which I responded, in the typical manner, "Oh, nothing". I did, however, come to the realization that this was my old way of avoiding confrontation. I took a moment to reflect on what I was really feeling, then I typed it out to him in the "when you do X it makes me feel Y" format. After which I went into an emotional duck and cover stance, waiting for him to reply with an attack. I waited maybe 5 minutes or so, then received a reply to the effect of "I hear you. I understand what you are saying. I would feel the same way if I were in your position." I was dumfounded. This had never happened before. It took a while for the true significance to sink in, though. We had both just put into practice the very things we had been working towards for so many weeks. It was beautiful. I wonder if we can do it again?

In other news, my two younger sons are gettled settled into the back to school routine. And, we got the oldest moved into his apartment at college. I don't think he fully realizes how fortunate he is to have been placed in this apartment instead of a regular dorm room. He shares it with one roommate, and they have their own bathroom and kitchen. So, we had to stock him up on all of the essentials like PopTarts and toilet paper. It is only a little over an hour's drive from here, but it feels as though he is so very far away.

I have been continuing to spend as much time online with IL as possible, although he has had a busy week as well. I miss him so much when we aren't able to have our nightly chats. He is such a fascinating and complex person, as well as being so darn sexy.

I did get a chance to spend a few moments on the phone with BF earlier this week. Again, he was able to gently walk me down an erotic path of fantasy, using his voice and his incredible talent for painting word pictures. This time, I believe, we acchieved simultaneous orgasms via the phone. That was so intense.

My other close online friend, we'll name him Mr P, has backed off somewhat from our relationship. He feels he needs to give me more space to work on things with H, is concerned that he might get in the way of that if we spend too much time chatting. I respect him for this, although I do so miss our time together. We email daily, though, and I refuse to let him back up too far. He has become quite important to me.

humpless hump day

I find it interesting, although admittedly I may be the only one who does, that I had an extraordinarily sensual day yesterday, without actually engaging in intercourse. I fell asleep so mentally sated, I am fairly certain I actually slept with a smile on my face.

First, I spent some quality time with one of my favorite chat buddies, we'll call him BF (because we spend our time together in a virtual Blanket Fort). After chatting for a bit and learning that I was home alone, he called me. His voice has this crazy-erotic effect on me. I don't fully understand why, it just does things for me. He calls occasionally and talks me through some elaborate fantasy scenario, and I tend to be able to lose myself fully in his voice and the imagery he creates. Yesterday, we walked a path of fantasy involving BF and I sharing some time with H. He paints a beautifully erotic picture with his words, and I actually reached climax just by retreating into the fantasy and allowing it to take over.

Shortly thereafter, H messaged me and wanted to know if I'd like him to come by on his lunch hour. Of course I wanted him to come by! Silly man. So, I decided to allow him to "catch me being naughty" when he walked in. This is not something I would have even considered doing not so long ago. But, he seemed to enjoy my new found confidence. We shared an amazingly passionate half an hour or so together, without actually making love. I can't remember when I have enjoyed being with him so much. Perhaps there is something to this being open and straightforward with your spouse?

Later that evening, I spent some time online with IL (so-named because he represents everything that my mind views as the Ideal Lover). Although we have yet to meet in person, IL has taught me so much about myself, and about acceptance. I took the initiative in this chat and, for only the second time in my life, (the first time was also with IL), I engaged in online sex where I was the aggressor, typing out my images and thoughts so that he might relax and enjoy the scenario. I found this to be both erotic and empowering. IL appeared to enjoy it thoroughly as well.

I am constantly amazed and enthralled at how satisfying and intoxicating life can be, once you begin pushing your own boundaries, throwing off inhibitions and just doing what feels good. I humbly bow down to each of you who have helped me to plant my feet firmly on this path of self discovery. You know who you are.

goings and comings

First, the goings. Our oldest son is off to college in a few days. We have nearly everything together that he needs to start off with, in spite of current financial crises. He is excited, of course. I suppose I am excited for him as well, although I am reluctant to have the first one leave the nest. I feel incredibly old. I suppose, though, it doesn't much matter how I feel about it.
This is just a part of the process, and I will let him go gracefully. I just hope we have instilled enough good in him to help him make good choices when he is out there in the world on his own.

Now, on to the comings. After eight or nine weeks of increasingly open communication, I have agreed to allow H to move home. This, with the stipulation that we continue to discuss the type of marriage we will have going forward (i.e. poly/open/swinging/whatever) until we reach something that feels good for both of us. I refuse to agree to long term monogamy, now that I understand my needs. He is opening his mind slowly, so I feel confident we will find a workable solution.

This, providing we don't fall back into old patterns. I am fearful of exactly that, which is why I had insisted on us remaining separated until now. But, his lease is about to run out on the current bachelor pad. It seems silly to sign another lease, and the reduction in expenses will certainly be a welcome break for both of us. So, we will give this a try. He actually cried when I told him I had reached this decision. He just held me and cried. I can count the number of times I have seen him cry on one hand. I feel like he is sincere in his intent to do the work necessary to make our marriage whole and happy. Still, I did not cry at all. I can only assume I am somehow reserving emotion until it actually happens. I tend to keep my expectations low, in general, in order to avoid crushing disappointments. I imagine I am doing the same here as well. I suppose I do feel I am making the right choice. I am just not what you might call giddy about it at this point. We'll see.

nocturnally speaking

I find myself completely unable to sleep tonight, well, this morning. I will place the blame firmly on the fact that my pain was enormous all day on Saturday. I think it's best not to focus on exactly how much pain medication I took trying to combat it. All of this to no avail, as I was forced to cancel my much anticipated date for the night. He was very understanding, (not surprisingly as he is an amazing man). I was, however, sorely disappointed. I am certain that we will have other opportunities in the future. I am, nevertheless, angry about yet another thing my pain has taken away from me or prevented me from enjoying. I was so looking forward to a long, passion-filled night with this incredibly sexy man. Instead, I have played games online and frumped here in my chair.

Over the last few days, I have spent a considerable amount of time talking with H. He had posed to me the question of why I don't feel I can be satisfied with monogamy. I wasn't content with giving him the obvious answers which came readily to mind. So, I have spent some time alone searching for deeper answers within. I can now visualize my sexual desires existing at three separate points on a wide spectrum. H fulfills the desire in the middle of this spectrum, "normal sex".

The desire which I see sitting toward the lefthand side of this spectrum is for an experience more gentle. I desire something gentle, tender, unhurried, playful, wildly erotic, soft and sweet. I tend to visualize this desire being fulfilled with a woman, although certain very special men enter into fantasies which touch on this as well. I cannot, however, begin to imagine H being these things successfully. He is a wonderful lover. His technical skills are beyond reproach. Yet he is neither tender nor wildly erotic. He just isn't.

Alternatively, toward the righthand end of the spectrum, resides a deep desire for an experience which is just plain raw. I desire dirty, rough, uncensored, unfettered sex where I am pushed to that magical point at which pain becomes pleasure and beyond. I know with certainty that this cannot be fulfilled with H either. It just can't be.

So, for years I have held these "unacceptable" desires at bay and forced myself to be contented with what he could do for me. At least, to appear contented and refuse to look at the discontent. The unfortunate end result of suppressing so much of my desire was that I ended up lacking desire in general. To be fair, there were other reasons our marital sexlife hit such a low point. This was, however, a significant contributing factor. All of that aside, I just don't want to do it any longer. I don't want to live out the rest of my life being only partially satisfied and having to deal with it because that's just the way it is.

All of that being said, H is relentlessly pursuing reconciliation. He even went so far as to read some web pages regarding Asperger's syndrome. I had sent him the links in hopes he would read them and gain a better understanding of me. I did not expect him to actually read them. Nor did I expect him to come back at me with valid questions and curiosities about what he had learned. I also hear evidence that he is opening his mind a bit more to the concept of poly, although I don't hear a readiness to apply it to our marriage. I can feel my defenses against his pursuit weakening, even as I know that we should not be together now.

a new day (I hope?)

The last couple of days have been so difficult for me. I feel like the break between H and myself is the right thing, but it has been traumatic for both of us. I am hopeful that he will refrain from contacting me today. I could definitely use a break from the drama. He took the day off work yesterday, and spent a good part of the day here talking things through with me. He managed to say pretty much all the right things, being supportive of my need to work on myself and all. And yet, I feel as though this was also a tactic. Am I becoming cynical?

I mean, I truly do love this man. There is a huge part of my heart which, I am convinced, will always belong to him. And yet, we are too fused (Schnarch's term). I don't believe I can learn to stand up and be an independent person, express myself honestly, as long as we are together. I always censor myself, protect him from potential pain, protect myself from perceived disapproval. I recognize now that I have lived my entire life in the pursuit of approval, and that I need to learn to live as myself, and hope instead for acceptance. I believe this time apart will be good for both of us, whether we end up back together or not. But it is so hard!

Before H left yesterday, we ended up making love. I certainly didn't plan for that to happen, but I suppose all the drama had weakened my resolve somewhat. It was very clear to me that he put his all into it, and still I felt no real connection with him. Very technically proficient. And, very heartbreaking. I am certain this would be the only time I have ever actually cried while having sex. And watching him leave, walking to his car seemingly a broken man, I admit I waivered for a moment and wanted to run after him. I cannot stand causing this man pain.

On the other hand, there are some fundamental problems with the relationship which I am not sure can be resolved, no matter how much we both grow. I wrote some the other day about his lack of true empathy when I am hurting. The more I think about it, this is one of my basic needs which has gone completely unmet for all these long years. In addition, his lack of passion is a big problem for me. I have wasted much effort convincing myself that our sex life was good. I mean, technically speaking, it was very good. He has become quite skilled. And yet, his inability to stop thinking and let passion rule leads me to hold back. I don't want to hold back anymore. I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life this way. I yearn to share all the passion and sensuality that are inside me with someone who can share the same with me.

Which brings my mind around to another conflict I feel myself struggling with. What do I really want? On the one hand, I am exploring the possibility of living the poly lifestyle. The more I research it, the more I see polyfidelity as a really good fit for me. I have never really been comfortable with the concept that one person could possibly fulfill all of my needs, forever and ever, no matter who that person is. But, I also have no interest in some long progression of flings with random people. Ideally, my social graph would include maybe 2 or 3 men, and at least one woman. We would all know each other, and be a sort of family, while not necessarily living together. This is beautiful to me.

On the other hand, having for a short time chosen to submit to a sexual dominant, I crave that again (or still). The man that I called Master has told me, on more than one occasion, that I need ownership. And, I can't disagree with that. While this need comes from a completely different place inside of me, it seems to be just as compelling. To be owned by a Master, to give my will over to him and totally submit, while trusting him completely, this touches something deep at my core.

This is all very confusing to me. I don't quite get how the need for freedom and the need to be owned can co-exist peacefully within the same individual. Further, I really don't see how both can be fulfilled simultaneously. Which is more powerful? Which will I choose to allow to determine my future? I have no idea. The simpler choice, upfront, would be to choose submission. This would absolve me of having to make further choices. Being easier, though, does not make it the right choice.

new thoughts inspire new drama

In thinking over H's words and behavior of late, I know that this is not the man I fell in love with oh so long ago. He is clearly suffering from depression at this point, and I don't know how far back that goes. Maybe, if he were to recover from that, he would be the man I used to love and respect. Possibly I am judging him too harshly. The problem with that, however, is that he refuses to seek help.

I am battling my own depression, and feel like I carry a very heavy load. I cannot continue to carry him emotionally. What makes it truly impossible for me to help him is that he is constantly whining and complaining about where his life is at. I can't hear this without feeling a burning rage in my gut, because he is the one who made this mess. I don't want to hear him complain endlessly about having to clean it up. And, I can't express this rage to him, so I end up stuffing it, like I have always done over the years.

It is impossible to build a healthy marriage like this. So, I sent him a nice, long email this morning explaining that we need to take a break from each other. We need to work on getting ourselves healthy, able to stand on our own two feet, and then look at reconciling the marriage.
I think it makes perfect sense, and I thought I had communicated it clearly. I was very hopeful that my decision would be the breaking point he needs, and he would go talk to a counselor.

NOT! He has spent the entire day, throwing everything in the book at me. I can imagine he must have been very frustrated when all of his passive/aggressive tactics did not work. For instance, telling me that he woke up this morning the happiest man in the world because he had decided to come home. When that didn't work, he followed it up by saying he was being evicted, and would now be living in his car. These types of things always have worked before. He must really be confused now.

To further complicate my day, I found that I had received a letter from the diagnostic clinic. It basically states that they couldn't find any reason for my pain, and that it should just be treated with pain management. I feel so dejected. I am trying very hard not to let this defeat me. I still want a diagnosis, and I will continue to seek one somehow.

Because I was feeling overwhelmed by all that went on today, I got ahold of T (former lover/dear friend/future lover) and he came and got me. We spent a glorious few hours together, and for that time I forgot all about my worries. He is crazy good for me. I returned home to learn that H had taken it upon himself, while I was out, to come over and talk to the kids about us. He decided it was a good idea to tell them that he was ready to move back home, but I said no. And, that this would most likely lead to a divorce. So much for having had my stress relieved.

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I love H so very much. I want the absolute best for him. But, I am fast losing respect for him, and I don't feel attracted to the man he is showing me lately. He often just doesn't make sense when we have a conversation. His answers just don't fit. And, the whole wallowing in self pity thing is not a turnon. At the same time, I feel tremendous attraction to a couple of other men. And, I don't know the right answer there either. In essence, since H and I have been talking about reconciling, I have been living as if I am a wife, yet I have no husband. Noone is here for me, in any meaningful way. And yet, I am being faithful to him. Realistically, it is going to take him at least a year to clean up his financial mess. So, that means another year of living this way. I am not that strong. It is not fair to ask of me. If he were a soldier stationed overseas, I could wait a year. But, he is a man who did some incredibly stupid things, things which broke my heart, and have left him in this hole financially. Is it fair to ask that I deny all of my needs while he fixes this, and then maybe we can be husband and wife?

basic truths

I have learned much in the last couple of days. Most of which I am still processing, trying to figure out what to do with the knowledge. My mind is positively swirling. Let me try to put some of it into words, in some sort of logical order.

Had a conversation with H a couple of days ago, via IM. It eventually devolved to the point of us both being angry and hurt. I tried to end the conversation politely, stating that we were both getting angry and we needed to back up and let our emotions cool. H did not listen to this, accusing me of running away. He continued to chat, saying some things which were very hurtful to me. He says they were not intentionally hurtful, I am not sure that I buy that. Anyway, I told him very clearly, "your words are hurting me". He continued to sling arrows at me. I finally reached my limit, told him I had to go, and ended the chat.

Of course, he immediately called the house. One of the boys answered, and H insisted on talking to me. I asked my son to please take a message and I would return the call. Then, H called back and left a voicemail, venting more of the things he needed to get off his chest. All of this after I had told him, in very direct words, that I was breaking down emotionally.

I took some time to really think this through. This scenario is very representative of any time in our relationship when I have been in pain. And, this is just not ok for me. This is why I keep my feelings to myself. He may not have ever overtly stated it, but this type of interaction speaks clearly. His need to vent was more important than my pain. I don't want to live like that. I feel as though my feelings don't matter at all. Or, in the best possible view, they rank pretty low on the priority list.

This is a basic truth. A fundamental need of mine which has never been met in my relationship with H. I need to feel as though my feelings are of equal importance to his. I don't want to be put first, or sacrificed for. I just need to be equal. When he is in pain, regardless of whether I have caused the pain or not, my first inclination is to comfort him. I need reciprocation in this area.

Ok, let's update things here. Just prior to beginning the writing of this post, H and I were chatting. Again, the chat devolved to the point where we were not communicating. I told him nicely that I needed to go, that I was feeling too emotional to continue talking right then. And, I signed off. So, as I was writing the previous paragraph, he called the house. He began telling me that he had left a long message for me, yada yada yada. I told him my mind and heart are not open to hearing him right now. I feel angry, and it is not a good time. He continued, telling me that I am being selfish and whatnot. I finally said "I want to hear what you have to say, and I can't hear it right now." And, I hung up the phone.

Am I being selfish? I struggle with that concept. I don't like selfish people. I truly don't want to become one. Is it selfish to assert my needs? I feel like it is not. I feel like it is a basic human right, to say I need "x" and be heard. I have always either been denied, or denied myself this right. Maybe it feels like I'm being selfish to those around me, simply because I have not done it before.

In an earlier chat, my former lover/dear friend/future lover?, we'll call him T, stated something to the effect of "when you are in pain, I am in pain". This went straight through to the core of me. Why can't this man, whom I have loved for 22 years, and who professes to love me, feel the same? Why have I never felt that level of devotion coming from him? Is there any way that I can spend the rest of my life with a man who does not feel this way?

slogging the blog

I am spending some time this morning reading old posts by 2amsomewhere, finding much of it meaningful in my current situation. In the following link:

http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2007/01/i-am-not-next-american-idol.html

I found a quote by Julia Grey which resonates strongly in my soul.

"The heroic you is defined from within,by examining your owreality,not
by comparison to other people.

So you don't say to yourself,"I'm okay because other people are worse."
But you also don't say,"I'm terrible because other people are so much
better."